Distorted Perception
by Beck89
Summary: "We should be ourselves right? Without needing to conform to anyone else's expectations?" Tired with herself and searching for something new, Naomi Campbell leaves her life behind in the hopes of finding the change she wants.
1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note: **Hi, it's Beck again. This is my second attempt at writing Distorted Perception and I must admit there was an entire month where I struggled with the decision, whether to chuck it out or sit down and write it. For those of you who didn't know, it was deleted from FF because I was a very, very naughty girl and broke a very important guideline. So, Admin if you so happen to be reading this, I am very sorry for the violation and promise never to do so again looks around nervously* Right so bear with me for a moment while I dedicate this chapter to some amazing writers/Tweeps that I have come to respect very much for their kindness and overwhelming support.

**Miss Maraudeur**- I've updated now..I feel you should follow suit since you twisted my arm ever so kindly (I'm kidding) into updating. Thank you very much for believing my writing is worth reading.

**Crevette**- From the very beginning of my 'meltdown' you insisted on making sure I continued to write and I feel as though a thank you just doesn't cut it. But just the same, thank you for encouraging me and for all the pep talks. You're an amazing person (and your story is ridiculously good. GO READ IT PEEPS)

**NikkiCee**- You put up with all my complaints, paranoia and constant whining and I don't think there are words that can ever really convey just how grateful I am to call you a friend. Gracias guapa.

**Staycoolsodapop, Reddawg, Steph81- **all of you motivated me to continue writing. If I could hug you lot to prove how thankful I am, I would. But since I can't..here's an update that demonstrates my gratitude ;)

When I discovered Fanfiction this past winter, I never thought I'd have the opportunity and privilege of meeting so many wonderful, warm individuals. Writing with my ADD mind is difficult at times but it is something I enjoy doing very much. So thank you to all of those who have helped me in the past by reviewing or adding DP to your subscription alerts. It means more to me than you'll ever know.

**Rating:** T

**Disclaimer: **Not in beta format. Grammar mistakes, probably. Skins is not mine.

**Summary**: "We should be ourselves right? Without needing to conform to anyone else's expectations?" Tired with herself and searching for something new, Naomi Campbell leaves her life behind in the hopes of finding the change she wants.

* * *

**Chapter 1: Starting Fresh**

There are moments in our lives that we can never forget. Moments that continue to live on in the far corners of our mind that at times remained unharmed by disease or injury to the brain. These defining moments are usually triggered by an aroma, an expression and most famously by music. Music is far more than a song to tap your feet to or to make the time pass quicker. There are healing qualities in the lyrics of a song, calming effects induced by melodies. Music has the power to transcend cultures, age and even prejudices. Writers, poets, artists-they'll attest to being influenced by it. In fact they will admit in one way or another music has shaped their perception.

Picture yourself sitting on the bus after uni or work. You're lost in your own world, stuck in the monotony life is sometimes when suddenly the boy sitting across from you starts singing but that doesn't stop you from listening. You sit captivated trying to figure out what style of music it is, the way he slaps his hands on his thighs. You try and decipher what the lyrics mean and if they even make sense. For a moment in time, you are connected to another person, tied to each other because of music. The realization of what music does, what it can do, is mind blowing and that's only one side of it. Bringing people together is perhaps what music is best known for. Ancient societies depended on songs to welcome their guests. In severe cases if a performer failed to provide adequate entertainment they were killed. The punishment isn't as severe now but the media does its' own brilliant job of butchering an artist. I don't think we realize just how profound words are. With a single word, we can destroy a person's life. The power behind a carefully worded statement can leave a mark so deep, recovering from the force of said comment can be difficult and cause irreversible change.

Then again people change, it is an inevitable part of life. At times it's expected like when a person decides to move to another city because they received a great job offer that helps their career. A career that has the potential to provide all the financial stability one could ever want in life; a house with a picket white fence, a brand new car, brand new appliances and top of the line furniture. Change can be good. Like when Martin Luther King stood tall and proud in America during the nineteen sixties and pledged to fight for civil rights for all. He peacefully marched along the streets of even the most hostile towns and cities where bigotry was rampant and deadly. He didn't stop and though his death was beyond tragic, he led a chain of events that soon changed archaic laws around the world, providing the necessary foundation for societies across the world to create laws that would defend basic human rights. But then there are changes that can devastate, changes that cause more harm than good. Unexpected and unwanted transformations that shape our present and future and not always in the best way. For example when a father abandons his family simply because he wants to, because the pressures of family life, the expectations and demands were more than he expected. So he decides he needs a change. He decides that it would be easier to forgo the commitment he vowed to keep for the rest of his life and move on. That type of change can cause more harm than good. People cause more harm than good. It's an indisputable fact.

'Naomi love,' my mum shouts from the bottom of the staircase.

I stare at my reflection in the mirror. Change, whether good or bad, has the insurmountable power to move heaven and earth.

'Yes?' I shout back, hating the way my voice sounds. Broken and weak.

'The taxi will be here soon,' I hear her voice break towards the end. I hate doing this. I hate that I have to. I shouldn't have to leave. I should be allowed to be me and happy. But I can't be. No one would let me. Not when society continues to put a pressure on being and looking perfect. Not when the 'normal' or 'average' look is the furthest thing from who I am now.

'I'll be right down mum.' I won't let her know how much I know this is killing her. I refuse to make her feel worse than she already does. But then again, she already does.

I look long and hard at the body in front of me, unfamiliar and not to my liking apart from my blonde hair that I dyed as a rebellious statement. I wasn't always like this, rotund and grotesque. I hated myself. I hated what I've become. This wasn't me. Problems grew like wildfire burning everything in its wake and I had the scars to prove it. Wounds that physically healed but stained deep down inside me, a dark place, an abyss that I didn't want to lose myself in again. It had taken months of therapy and a myriad of medication to get me halfway normal. I could feel again. I wasn't numb like before. Maybe I felt too much now. But as I stand before the body length mirror, I don't like what I see and I know that a change is the only thing that will help me.

I look around my room one last time making sure everything is in its' place before I head out for the six month excursion. I don't have much anyways in my room apart from my twin sized bed, student sized desk cluttered with books and my laptop as well as posters that adorn every inch of the four walls that surround me. Posters of exotic people and places, posters with 'Save the Planet' messages and inspiring quotes I've learned along the way. I scoff at the photo on one of them, a small kitten clutching desperately onto a metal bar with the caption 'Hang in there' as the motivational quote. I walk across the room and remove the tacks holding it up. I tear the poster in half and then tear those into smaller pieces dumping them in the bin beside my small desk. Mum no doubt would walk in here and be upset that I tore up the poster that I proclaimed to love once. That's what my life has become, a sad empty shell of what it once was. There's no point to anything anymore. I've spent my entire life following the rules, minding my manners, did as I was told and to no avail. All the things you strive to do in order to please or help others is pointless. No one cares about it and if nobody cares enough then why should I? I look down at the ripped bits of paper, crumbled and messy with the rest of the rubbish and can't help but think how it parallels my current situation. It doesn't matter though, what's done is and done and as I turn away, collecting the large duffel bag I bought last month, I know I'll change..but maybe not for the best.

I walk down the stairs slowly looking at the portraits that still hang on the wall there. Pictures of the past. Pictures of a happy family that ceased to exist long ago. I hear my mum moving around in the kitchen probably fussing over a breakfast I won't have time to eat, horrible timing that she has. Never on time. I look in confusion at a large frame that wasn't hanging there before. I move down the steps, nearing the end of the staircase, the black and white collage showcasing photos of my childhood. They were mostly shots of a younger version of myself happy, staring at the camera with piercing bright eyes. I smile softly more because of my mother's good intentions than anything else. She cares more than any normal human could. Her capacity for kindness was one of the things I loved most about her. She helped blindly and willingly, seeing beyond a person's faults. It's what made her stand out in a crowd, her radiant personality. It's what drew women to befriend her and men to desire her. My mother's love is her greatest virtue. And yet it was the sole reason for her breakdown.

_I'm tired of trying  
Your teasing ain't enough  
Fed up of biding your time  
When I don't get nothing back  
And for what, and for what, and for what _

I jump down the last few steps, shocked to hear my mother singing after so long. I drop my bag in the foyer and stand, arms crossed, in the doorway that leads to the kitchen. She is facing away from me hovering over the sink washing dishes. Her voice is soft and angelic, she doesn't exert her voice, more like a singing and speaking all at once. I can't help but stare a her, entranced by her way of being. There was this constant halo surrounding my mother, a light that sparked brightly. It had been such a long time since I'd seen it shine. I forgot it was there. But when you own world is covered in shadows, it's impossible to focus on anything else. My mother was the perfect example of persistence and strength. She was strong enough to keep is both afloat. She worked six days a week at two different jobs to provide for us after my father left. She never complained though and she still somehow managed to take care of me and made sure we spent time together. Enough for her to know I was alright or at least I fooled her into thinking I was. She was, is, supermom to the end. It was a good thing the house we lived in was an inheritance left to my mother from her father, otherwise I don't think we would be as secure or sane as we were now.

_Where'd you go when you stay behind  
I looked up and inside down and outside only to find  
A double taking punching hard and laughing at my smile  
I get closer you obviously prefer her  
_

As beautiful as my mother's voice is, I walk towards the stove reaching up to silence the CD player, the song bringing me back, memories and flashbacks flooding my mind that I'd rather not relive. I steady my breathing, struggling to keep the anger inside. The parting words my father left me with bouncing around in my head, fueling my anxiety. I feel my mum touch my shoulder lightly and I flinch. I know I shouldn't shy away from her touch, she is my mother after all but I've always been like that. I know she understands me, understands why I keep her at arm's length away. Other parents read parenting journals and subscribe to every magazine they can to understand their child's behavior. My mother just knew. She understood what I needed and wanted just with a single look. Maybe it was as a result of being an only child that she could read me so well. It didn't matter either way to me, I was just grateful somebody understood the mess I was and still am.

'I made you breakfast dear.'

I watch her out of the corner of my eye as she removes a plate of food from the microwave. She took the time to make my favorite pancakes: wheat granola with cranberries and almonds.

'Thanks mum,' I admit softly. 'Do we have honey?'

'Yes!' I smile when she points one finger in the air victoriously and sets the plate on the table. She becomes a blur as she fusses around the kitchen fetching silverware and napkins. You would think the Queen herself was setting foot inside our home. I grab a glass from the cupboard and open the refrigerator pouring orange juice to swallow the meal down with. I sit down and tuck in to my breakfast savoring what will probably be my last home cooked meal for the next six months. I feel my mother's eyes on me watching me carefully but I ignore it focusing my attention instead on reading the nutritional facts on the bottle of honey.

'How are you doing today Nai Nai?' she asks cautiously.

My hand freezes in mid air knowing what she was referring to. 'I'm eating mum..see?' I shove a forkful of food in my mouth and make a show of chewing loudly, showing her the chewed mush before swallowing. She scrunches up her face and laughs.

'You have horrible manners Naomi. You should be ashamed of yourself.' Her voice is reproachful but her smile says a different story.

'Mmm,' I chew quickly trying not to speak with my mouth full, 'I'm exactly like you mum.'

She laughs loudly, throwing her head back, her eyes shining brightly. Mum always found what I say amusing. I could murder a simple knock knock joke and she would look at me like if I were a comedic genius.

'You get that from your fath-' the words cease immediately and one of her hands cover her mouth. 'Naomi, I-'

I shake my head, telling her not continue. After my father left us I didn't want to be compared to him. It was bad enough I looked like him without adding to the fact that I was _like_ him. I know it's useless hoping you'll have nothing in common or alike one of your parents but I couldn't help it. He wasn't someone anyone could ever want to be compared with.

'It's okay mum. Force of habit and everything yeah?' I smile although it's false and I know she can tell it is. Almost a year later and anything having to do with my father still upsets me.

'He was a good man Naomi.'

I stand abruptly not wanting to hear the rest of the sentence. 'Yeah, so good he treated you like cattle and me like a prisoner. Don't defend him.' I remain standing not really sure what to do next. I don't have outbursts like that especially where my mother is concerned. That's the last thing she needs, another person to yell at her. 'I'm sorry mum..I just..I don't like being compared to him.'

I scratch my nails on the table surface, unable to look her in the eye. The silence drags on for what feels like an eternity when suddenly she pushes the chair back and walks towards me enveloping me in a warm but firm hug. My hands move slowly from my sides around her waist clutching at her back as I breathe in her scent. Mum always smelled like home or as she says jokingly like green tea and incense. The thought makes me chuckle and she breaks the hug to look at me questioningly.

'Green tea and incense.'

She rolls her eyes but smiles softly at me, looking at me in a way that leaves me feeling like I'm a five year old child. 'He's your father. A crap one at that but your father nonetheless.' She wraps one arm around my waist, steering us towards the front door after the blaring taxi horn announced it's arrival.

'We all have our shortcomings Naomi. No one is perfect.'

'Then why do people expect us to be?'

She pauses in the hallway, looking at me sadly. She looks at the front door and back at me contemplating her reply. 'Sometimes we ask for too much of a person, believing they can do anything because up until then that's what we thought they could do. Or maybe we put ourselves on pedestals and hate the world when they expect us to continue to be perfect. It's a nasty cycle love.' She turns to face me, cupping my cheeks softly as she makes me look into her eyes, her expression warm but firm. 'You can't expect for others to see your beauty when you refuse to see it yourself.'

I bite my lip and take a deep breath. She knew why I was leaving and though she understood and supported me in my decision, she hated the reasons why I signed for the six month 'Get Fitched' camp. Dealing with low self esteem, a bitter separation and maintaining top marks in college had been difficult and the strain it put on my life began to show slowly. I had overindulged in sweets and ate constantly, the anxiety making it difficult to concentrate on anything and eating became an escape. It didn't show at first, in fact I was complimented on actually eating instead of drinking water and eating half of a salad like my former mates did when we went out to eat. Then it became worse, living in a house I once considered a refuge, had become hell. Eventually though it stopped. The reasons for all the pain and turmoil left leaving a resounding silence that should have been peaceful. But after all that took place, it was too late. The damage was done leaving behind shattered remnants of a family.

After mum picked up the pieces, I decided I needed a change. I needed to gain back what I lost once. The confident, witty and outgoing girl I once was. It would be awhile but I would get there.

'Which is why I'm going away mum. I'm not happy with myself. I've lost friends-'

'You pushed them away.'

'Oh because they made being friends with them so easy mum. We'd go shopping and they would complain we had to go to a shop to find clothes that would 'fit my special body,' I say bitterly.

My mother sighs and hugs me once again, crushing my body onto hers. She kisses the top of my head and lets me go when the taxi beeps the horn again. 'Don't lose yourself Naomi. Stop listening and caring so much about what others say and let yourself be happy. You're too young to be so upset with the world all the time. You don't want to end up an old batty woman like Mrs. James next door do you?'

I laugh at the comparison and shake my head. 'Well then be yourself. That's all you need and you'll see, only then will you be happy.'

She squeezes once more before letting me go. I grab my bag, hoisting the strap over my shoulder, turning to face my mother as I turn the door knob. 'Did you come up with that speech all by yourself?' I tease.

'No, I read it in a parenting journal. Interesting little article titled 'How to deal with moody children'.

I laughed and shook my head. 'You think you're so clever.'

'Aren't I dear?'

I shrugged and walked out, the sound of her laughter ringing in my ears. I heard her footsteps behind me, walking me out. She stood on the porch as I greeted the cabby and apologized for taking so long. He gruffed and turned his attention to the street, turning his blinker on indicating he was ready to leave. I stared out the window, bag clutched firmly on my lap as my mother waved goodbye, the bangles she wore on her wrist jingling from the action. The sun hit her blonde hair, giving the appearance of a halo surrounding her and I smiled at her. If mum could be happy then so could I. The taxi pulled away driving further and further from the city and people I knew towards unknown territory. I knew the journey would be long so I placed the bag on the space next to me and leaned back on the leather seats, placing my head between the top of the seat and the door, my forehead pressing against the cool glass.

I was going to change, I needed a change, of that I was sure. But would it make me happy? Would the sacrifice be worth it? Would I be able to recover what I'd lost? I close my eyes and take a deep breath, willing the negative thoughts away. I can do this. I'm Gina Campbell's daughter. If she made something out of nothing than I could do the same. I watch the city buildings turn into small brick edifices until a while later, trees sprout up, a sign that my destination is just up ahead. For a moment I forget about my worries gazing up into a bright blue sky, sun shining down on the world below and lose myself in the serene nature around me. The pavement below soon becomes gravel as the taxi turns up a long winding drive. I sit up, stretching as cab turns once more, stopping before a gated drive, a white house standing out amongst a green forest.

'You ready?' the cabby asks me.

I know he's asking me if I'm ready to exit the vehicle since I've been staring at the gates titled 'Fitch House' for the past several minutes. It doesn't seem at all as if I were at a weight loss camp. In fact it feels like I've stepped back in time, the house too large and regal considering the decade we're in. But I'm here now and there's no going back.

'Yes, I am.'

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**Short update but it will get better, I promise. I have had A LOT of time to think this story through and I know where I'm going with it. So...leave a review? :D Until next time peeps!**


	2. Chapter 2

**Author's Note: **You guys are amazing, cream of the crop, the bees knees! Thank you, thank you, thank you for all your support and lovely encouragement. I'm not gonna lie, all the positive feedback did make me a bit nervous but only because I hate disappointing and knew I had to work just as hard to keep the story at that level. _Anon_- I'm very glad you decided to give my 're-amp' a go and I'm thrilled to know I didn't disappoint :) Oh and we go back in time at the beginning just so you're not confused. There will be flashbacks throughout the story but if it gets too confusing I'll give fair warning before visiting the past.

And voila...

**Disclaimer: **I don't own Skins but I pretend to sometimes. There may be mistakes in here somewhere...I'm not an English major.

**Rating:** T

**Summary:** "We should be ourselves right? Without needing to conform to anyone else expectations?" Tired with herself and searching for something new, Naomi Campbell leaves her life behind in the hopes of finding the change she wants.

* * *

**Chapter 2: Uphill Climb**

_'Miss Campbell, do you know why you're here today?'_

_I stare at her annoyed, eyebrow raised. Does she think I'm that much of an idiot? My arms are crossed in front of me, my feet firm on the ground. I read somewhere once that therapists interpret your body language, certain movements and stances indicative of your current state of being. I wasn't here of my own accord, well technically I was. I had promised another doctor in a long line of medical officials that I would seek help. Otherwise I would end up in what they called a rehabilitation center, which was really medical jargon for a loony bin. _

_'This is just protocol Naomi. We see a lot of individuals come here and they are unaware of their surroundings. So for the record, I need you to clarify this for me.'_

_She's young. I don't know whether this is a good or a bad thing, she's probably there to "connect" with the younger bunch. She looked like the bookish type, brown hair wrapped tightly into a bun, black frames and a casual business type ensemble; gray slacks with a black blouse tucked into her waist. She looked neat and efficient. The poster perfect woman to be a therapist. Then again looks are deceiving. I know that all too well. _

_Who's to say she doesn't have more fucked up issues than me. I've read stories about people that were exemplary citizens on paper but their own lives were worse than most. How could I trust a random I 'd only just met? The fact that I'm expected to lay myself open and exposed like that is ludicrous._

_She cleared her throat interrupting my inner rambling and placed her notepad and pen neatly on the table beside her chair. 'I understand that it's difficult to discuss what happened to you. I don't expect you to be outright at once but I do need you to attempt to Naomi.'_

_I stare at her. One of the conditions to the agreement was that I remain in counseling until the licensed professional felt I was well enough to be released. I was hoping I could fool them into thinking I was somewhat alright or at least have them going in circles until they gave Wilson leaned forward her palms extended up towards me, inviting and open, like an adult calling a baby to them when they want to hold the child. _

_'I'm here as part of an agreement I made with Doctor Roberts.' I keep my voice calm and steady, my eyes glued to hers._

_'What was the agreement?'_

_I roll my eyes and sigh. She knows why I'm here. I don't understand why I have to repeat myself. 'I have to remain in counseling until the good doctor feels that I'm normal,' sarcasm dripping through every word. _

_Her face remains calm and passive as she leans back in her seat, her head cocking to the side slightly. 'Why do you think you're abnormal Naomi?'_

_I feel my heart skip a beat as the blood feels like it's draining from my face. I look down, keeping my eyes riveted to the boring blue carpet floor beneath my scuffed shoes. I try and keep my breathing regular, her eyes watching my every movement. I try not to give in to the pain swelling in my chest, the feeling of hopelessness rising in me again. I shake my head still not trusting my voice, knowing it would break if I tried to speak. _

_'Why not use "better"? There's always a reason behind what we say.'_

_I chuckle bitterly knowing that all too well. I can feel my eyes tear up remembering everything that happened all vividly. I look back at her and though her body seems to keep its her professionalism, her eyes, brown and warm, encouraging me. Are therapists supposed to be like this?Are they supposed to care so much like this one appeared to? Would it be so bad to tell her?I wasn't going anywhere anytime soon. I pick at the skin around my nails nervously, digging into the flesh so hard, the skin breaks and blood begins to seep. I press hard on my thumb, hoping to stop the flow of blood. But it doesn't stop._

_'I tried to commit suicide. I couldn't take the pain.'_

_I look away unable to face her reaction, though it is ridiculous really since she's not allowed to show emotion. I'm sure she should appear sympathetic to me but that was the extent._

_'You didn't come here because you believe therapy can help you, did you Naomi?'_

_I shrug. I recant the comment from earlier. I know why they have her here and it has nothing to with her young age. She is far more observant and intuitive than I gave her credit for. She understands people, she knows how they tick. She has managed to figure me out in ten minutes and there is still fifty minutes left to this session. _

_'You don't realize it right now but you've made a huge step forward.'_

_'It doesn't feel like it.' _

_In all honesty it didn't. I felt no different admitting what only my mother and the hospital staff knew. I wasn't even sure if my father listened to the frantic voice messages mum left on his mobile. If he had, well I suppose that said everything. Then again the eight months that passed without any communication should have been a sign that he didn't give a shit about me. Had he ever? How can you claim to love someone for so long and walk away like they never meant anything?_

_'It will feel that way for you at the beginning. But I guarantee as long as you want to, you can leave the past behind. You won't forget it but I can give you the tools you need to help you build and move on.'_

_Apart from mum, she is the first person I have spoken to that believes I can move on, that I am not a pathetic mess I think I am. Mum told me once that it was good to let people in, to care for someone and let them take care of me in return. I know I won't care that way for the doctor but I can trust her. I should trust her. She has a quiet conviction in her voice and I can't help but feel motivated by it. _

_'Okay,' I say softly, my eyes meeting hers, conveying everything I need to with one look. I need to get better, I have to._

_'It will be an uphill climb Naomi, but we will go at your pace. Okay?'_

_I nod and for the first time, I feel the weight on my shoulders, the expectations, the struggles and the pain, ease if only slightly. _

* * *

It was a steep, rocky terrain that lay before me. I hear the taxi speed away, little rocks landing near my feet. I clutch the handle of my duffel bag tightly, thanking my mother's good sense in advising me to wear my trainers. Thinking about her didn't help the anxiety rising in me, my chest heaving as I begin the slow climb my eyes glancing around at my surroundings. It was quiet here, the last time I'd seen a house was at least ten minutes away by car. It helps knowing that there aren't herds of people surrounding the camp premises. I never could understand why it was that people joined gyms with see through glass windows. You're basically on display for everyone passing by to judge you, judge the way you workout, judge your body. It confuses me to think that. Maybe it is our vanity, our own selfish need to feel watched by many or envied. Not me though, I was never one to step towards the spotlight. I relished being alone, then again being alone was all I knew. It was easier that way. I didn't develop attachments to anyone that would only disappoint me. I mean I'm not naive, I know life is full of vain expectations. It just seems like the more effort you put into something, the results you want to achieve fall short of your hopes. That's why I stopped wishing after awhile and realized it was better to accept whatever fate lay ahead of me.

The afternoon sun warmed my skin, it was uncommonly bright and sunny and I wondered if the beautiful weather would last long. I left my sweater on needing to feel an extra layer covering me. I remember one day mum teased me about it. It was hot out and I wore a long sleeved shirt when I went with her to the local market not bothering to pull up the sleeves. Truth was I wore clothing that was looser on my body so that I could hide the fat. It was ridiculous really attempting to hide what was obviously there but that didn't stop me from trying.

Lost in my thoughts I didn't notice that I had reached the top of the hill, the large house now meters from me. My thighs were aching from the climb, my arm burning from carrying the heavy bag and my nerves grew tenfold now that the realization of the situation hit me. I, Naomi Campbell, was at a fat camp. The brochure may have called it a "life enhancement" seminar or whatever it was that was on there but I was here with only one objective and that was to lose weight. Maybe gain a sense of normalcy while I'm at it. The pamphlet I requested or rather my mum did as I was too embarrassed to pluck up the courage to speak to the representative held a brief statement from the head of the camp, Robert Fitch. There was a warning issued, as cheesy as it might have sounded then, that the campers should expect a complete physical and mental transformation. I really have no idea how he managed to but the words struck with me. He mentioned his own personal experience with weight problem and spoke about the difficulties he endured whilst finding what best suited what he wanted. The paragraph itself wasn't longer than half of the one side of the manual but it was enough to convince me that he actually knew what the bloody hell he was talking about. I can be bold. I can do what needs to be done but in order for me to travel for two hours in the company of a sweaty old man who insisted on calling me 'bonnie lass', well the argument Rob Fitch presented needed to convince me.

I look at the house, bright untarnished white paint covering the outside, the black trimming providing a nice contrast. It was the sort of house you would expect to see on the cover of a travel magazine with a family outside on the terrace enjoying their holiday. There were large rose bushes on each side of the small veranda leading towards the front door. From what I could see of the property it was very well taken care of, very neat with nothing out of place. It is always a bit weird for me to see houses like this. My own house was something we called organized clutter. There were antique furniture on the porch, no item matching each other and of course mum had hung several pots in the attempt to make the house look environmentally conscience. An action that later proved foolish since neither of us actually tended to the plants, their brown and withered shriveled existence evidence of our lack of green thumb. I begin to question whether this is even possibly a fitness camp. I don't really see any sort of equipment or obstacle courses you would expect to see. It was a plain old house nestled in the woods.

I see the front door open suddenly and for a split moment I consider running off, though I suspect I wouldn't get very far at all. I have the pace of a slug and the endurance of a sloth. Bright red hair is all I see at first, the warm afternoon breeze causing the locks to flow around a small face. The girl before me opens the door completely, placing one hand on her hip, the other one clutching a large notepad.

'Naomi...Campbell?' she stares in disbelief at the notes in front of her and laughs.

'How do you know-'

I stop before I can make a fool of myself. Judging by the matching black set of trackies and polo shirt, she must be personnel. So it's only obvious she would know my name. My annoying name as it were. I was teased about it enough during college, I certainly don't need to relive those days. I nod plastering a smile and feel it turn into more of a grimace. Great first impression. She purses her lips at me and raises an eyebrow.

'Are you going to stand there all day or did you intend on actually joining us?'

I went to school with girls like these, princesses as I liked to refer to them. Girls with a larger than life personality and not in a good way. Stuck up, snobbish, self obsessed brats with a tendency to look down on others just like she was looking down on me. Her facial expressions didn't reveal much but what needed to be said was in her eyes. Brown eyes are usually known for their warmth and kindness but I suppose there are exceptions in life and this girl was it.

'Katie who are you yelling at?'

I had to blink twice. There were two of her. At first I though I was seeing things, that the heat from standing outside had caused my brain malfunction but after getting over my initial surprise it was twins. They were twins not identical though, this one had bright red hair. Whereas the first girl or Katie had a darker shade of red not to mention she was belligerent and unapproachable. The other twin seemed kinder, her voice soft and husky melodic almost. And there was something about her face, her features more defined than the other girls' it made her prettier. Which was absolutely ridiculous since they both looked alike, they were twins after all. There was something about this other one though, something in the way she carried herself, the way her voice was so smooth even though she was engaged in an argument with her sister, it was like being stuck in a trance. I couldn't look away...odd.

'Sorry about that. Katie can be..difficult at times.'

It was then that I noticed that the other twin no longer stood on the front step. I nodded my head, acknowledging her apology because really, what else could I do?

'You can come in now. We were just waiting for you to arrive to start the orientation.'

I walked up and waited as she stepped aside to allow me to walk in first. As I enter through the front door the hallway stretched before me, hardwood floors shining in the afternoon light. The walls were a sea blue and there were frames hanging with different nature scenes but all of them had that same deep blue. It was a soothing color and I can't help but wonder if the color pattern was chosen for this same reason. There was a large staircase towards the middle of the hallway and doorways along the way, at the end of the long stretch lay the kitchen in plain view, modern appliances and a large table the first things I noticed.

'I can take your bag. The orientation is taking place on the third room to your right.'

I look at her properly for the first time big, brown eyes staring back at me and glance down at my bag. I know I have no reason to distrust her, she is part of the staff but I hold my bag closer to me and shake my head as politely as I can. 'I can manage, thank you.'

A look flashes through her eyes and she nods slowly. ' In that case, allow me to walk you there.'

She doesn't wait for a reply and walks away, leaving me to follow quickly. I don't bother to look at the rooms as I walk by them, knowing I have six months to get well acquainted with them. I can hear voices chatting quietly as we get closer to the room and I can't help but slow down, just short of the doorway, the nerves in my stomach making it difficult to breathe. I lean against the wall, trying to remember the techniques I learned to help calm me down. It's difficult though, especially when your mind is in a haze and all you can feel is the overwhelming sense of fear creeping through your system. I guess I wasn't ready for this after all. It's not too late though, maybe I could call a taxi to get back home. Mum would understand it was too much. She wouldn't judge me or love me less because of it.

'Hey.'

The voice was soft but strong. I look up and notice that the kind twin has her hand on my arm, running it up and down in a calming motion. It does console me in a way, her warm touch radiating even through the thick layer of my sweater. But then I remember I don't like being touched and I jerk my arm away from her.

'Sorry,' she recoils her hand, keeping her arms crossed on her chest.

I shake my head and sigh loudly, running a hand through my hair. 'I don't like to be touched...I'm sorry. I didn't mean to—well it was rude of me to—'

'Say no more,' she said as she smirked at me. 'I completely understand.'

'Do you?' The question slips from my mouth before I can stop it. I swear, sometimes my curiosity can be annoying.

She bites her bottom lip staring hard at me. If I didn't know any better I would've thought she was studying me but she wasn't. She was somewhere else, I knew that faraway look.

'I do.' She was still staring at me, her eyes still slightly unfocused until a loud sound behind us seemed to snap her out of whatever memory she was lost in. \

'Come on,' she said as she walked in.

Now or never Campbell. I walk into the room, not wanting to delay the orientation any further. The Meeting Room, as the gold plaque on the door indicated must have been a bedroom at one point but instead had been remodeled to resemble a meeting room with the exception of carpeted floors. There was a large whiteboard towards the far side of the room and there was a round table in the middle of the room. My sneakers squeaked on the hardwood floor when I came to a stop. Three pairs of curious eyes stared back at me and I fidgeted. Tucking a loose strand of hair I gazed around instead at the framed pictures hanging off the wall and couldn't help but leave my mouth open in amazement. They were clearly before and after pictures and going by the image alone it was a good sign for me, choosing Fitch camp.

A tall man, fit man stood at the end of the room and introduced himself as Rob Fitch, though the introduction wasn't necessary since I'd already seen his face on the pamphlet. The kind twin stood next to him and smiled politely at me, her eyes watching my every move. Rob cleared his throat and motioned for me to walk towards the group sitting around the table, welcoming me to the camp. Taking the last seat available, I place the bag on the floor beside my feet lap and toy with the zipper on my hoodie, keeping my eyes glued to Rob and not the group before me.

"Well now that we're all here, welcome to Get Fitched," Rob paused to smile across the room. "You're here today because you want a change."

Scoffing, I flicked the zipper back and forth. Change was a mild way of putting it.

'I can assure you, you will achieve what you want here but not without sacrifice. As you know, this is a 6 month program. Each day will bring a new method of workout. There's not one exact formula for success. Everyone is different and therefore certain body types might require more of one type of exercise than another. I will learn what is best for you during the first week of training. But prepare for reps, reps, reps! I tell you its the only way to tone. You'll build stamina and before you know it, you'll ask for more!'

Staring at the confused faces around him, Rob cleared his throat before continuing, briefly introducing the other twin as Emily. She shook her head and looked at me, rolling her eyes and chuckling at Rob's excited tone.

'Right then, let's introduce ourselves shall we?' He looked to his left and pointed at a curly haired boy with nervous blue eyes and braces about my age probably. 'We'll start with you. Tell us your name and something about yourself.'

'I'm JJ. I like magic. With regard to mathematic aptitude I'm in the top 0.3% of the population which is an interesting demographic statistic because paradoxically my communication interpersonal and intuitive skills are towards the lower quartiles.'

There was a collective pause and eyebrow raise. He spoke quickly and blinked out of his daze, smiling at everyone as he sat down. I could see Rob's stunned face, Emily was amused and the other two teenagers in the room looked at one another, grinning as if they knew something everyone else was clueless about. I wonder if they knew each other since they were all sitting on the same side of the table, opposite me. As JJ sat down, the second boy patted his back, smiling brightly at him. Rob nodded at him and he rose looking around the room, the same bright smile on his face. It wasn't a fake smile, if anything his presence exuded a calmness that was unusual in someone our age.

'I'm Thomas. So nice to meet you all.' His voice was deep and rich with a hint of an accent that sounded familiar but I wasn't too sure. 'I am from Bristol like JJ and Panda.' He sat down suddenly, rubbing his hands on his thighs. I guess that was the end of his introduction. The blonde girl beside him bolted up, not needing Rob to indicate it was her turn to speak. She waved animatedly, an enthusiastic smile on her face.

'I'm Pandora but you can call me Panda. My mum says I'm useless and that I shouldn't trust boys because they only want to get in my box. But my friend Effy says that surf n' turf is whacker good.'

I'm amazed by the amount of words that spew from her mouth in such a short amount of time. Entertained and amused, still trying to understand the last bit of that sentence. There is something about the trio in front of me, I'm not sure why it is because it's an odd feeling for me but they are very likeable. I wonder if they'll get along with me. As out there as Panda seems, she has a quality about her that is almost childlike. Not that she's innocent if her mind is letting boys get in her box but she was nice. A bit off and extremely hyper but nice. I could see myself talking to Thomas about anything. He appeared to be a genuinely kind person, his gentle persona relaxing.

'Naomi?'

Five curious pairs of eyes stared back at me and it was then I remembered, I was the last one that needed to present herself. I clear my throat and stand, my eyes focusing on anything but the faces surrounding me. I don't do well with public speaking at least not anymore.

'My name is Naomi, I'm eighteen and I hate injustice.'

I sit back down, my introduction was short but my nerves still get the best of me as I feel my hand shake underneath the table. I close my eyes momentarily blocking out the sound of Rob's voice discussing the schedule for the next two weeks and other information I know I'm meant to be listening to. I countdown back from twenty not needing to go higher than that. I remember the sounds of a large open meadow, the wind rustling tree branches in the distance as I hear a river flowing nearby. When Dr. Wilson first suggested this way of helping me cope with my anxiety I looked at her strangely. But after several minutes later she coaxed me into trying the 'getaway' as she coined it and to my surprise it helped a great deal. Sometimes just by counting the breaths I would take was enough to calm me but when I felt as though it was all too much at once, I resorted to Plan B. Once I reached five I felt a nudge on my shoulder and my eyes snapped open, conscious of where I was.

'Sorry,' I said to no one in particular.

I felt a hand on my shoulder, the warmth of it making me feel more at ease than the escape had instantly. From the corner of my eye, I see a small pale hand gripping my shoulder softly before reality sets in and I shrug the hand from me as gently as I could.

I stood up, the chair scraping the floor beneath me as I grabbed my bag.

'You can freshen up if you'd like before dinner. Apart from the orientation we have a welcome dinner for the trainees.'

'Trainees?' I asked puzzled, I thought this was a camp.

Emily smiled softly at me and walked towards the door, nodding her head in the direction for me to follow her. I walked behind her, following up the flight of stairs, not as quickly as she was moving but she waited patiently for me at the top before moving down the hallway stopping at the second door on the left. She opened the door and indicated I walk in.

The room was larger than I expected it to be. The walls the same deep blue that the hallway downstairs had, two twin sized beds on each side of the room with a storage bench on the food of the bed, a large dresser standing between them. There were two windows along the north wall of the room, white curtain sets matching the white covers of the small beds. The room looked like it had been designed by a professional or at least someone who was really good at coordinating.

'You can choose either bed and your trainer will sleep on the other side. The bathroom is the first door to your right when you leave the room. Feel free to place your personal belongings there and make yourself at home.'

She smiled gently before reminding me that dinner would be ready in half an hour. I thanked her as she walked out but called her name when I remembered she said I would have a trainer.

'Who's my trainer?' I know I sound a bit worried but quite frankly the thought of having Katie as a trainer or another complete stranger was something I really wasn't looking forward to. I thought Rob would've been the everyone's trainer.

'I am,' she announced proudly, standing straight when I was raised an eyebrow.

I can't help but laugh out loud, picturing the small redhead lifting weights twice her size.

'Laugh all you want but just you wait until tomorrow Campbell.'

With that she walked out of the room leaving me to think about everything. At least I knew Emily and she _was_ the nicer twin of the two unless she was one of those crazy, steroid crazed women. I shake my head laughing at my own absurdity before placing my bag on the foot of the bed and plopping down on the mattress. Dinner, shower and then sleep before reality hit tomorrow. It wasn't going to be easy getting rid of what I caused on myself but I had the tools and resources to do so and I needed to believe in myself again, otherwise there really wasn't a point to it, to being here.

'Naomi! Dinner's ready!'

I recognize the voice as Panda's, unable to stop myself from laughing at the excitement that seems to burst from within her. We were all in this together. They were all like me, they knew what the struggle was like. Maybe just this once I could let allow myself to be at ease. Maybe this wasn't as hard as I was making it out to be.

* * *

**If the dialogue was off between Naomi and her therapist I do apologize. I'm not a licensed doctor nor do I know any so I based Dr. Wilson off of a character I happened to see the other day on the telly. I know I was kinda sorta slow with this update and for that I apologize. I will try to update at least 3 times a month. TRY! because I can't help but get swept away with some of the other great stories on here. So again I will do my best and as always, feel free to let me know how I did (That means you'll have to review). Until the next time peeps. Stay safe!**

**x Becks**


	3. Chapter 3

_**Author's Note**: I updated far more sooner than I expected (I'm sure no one has any complaints) A big thank you once again for all your lovely comments and encouraging words. It never fails to make me smile :) It's late here on the East coast but thankfully I have a wonderful beta person thing to correct any and all mistakes on this update so thank you beta reader, you're the cat's pajamas! On with the chapter!_

**Rating: **T

**Disclaimer: **Skins is not mine.

**Summary**: "We should be ourselves right? Without needing to conform to anyone else's expectations?" Tired with herself and searching for something new, Naomi Campbell leaves her life behind in the hopes of finding the change she wants.

* * *

**Chapter 3: Going Forward**

Morning came, the sun streaming through the open window as I lay on my bed quietly. I hadn't slept at all last night, my mind unable to stop thinking about everything and anything at once. I thought about what the day would bring, whether or not I would feel discouraged at some point along the way. I thought about how I couldn't feel discouraged because I promised myself I would remain strong despite the aches and bruises I felt along the way. I repeated the same words Dr. Wilson instructed me once to say to myself as my own personal mantra, keep calm and carry on, but it didn't help. I was repeating the words over and over again and felt nothing.

At first I was worried that I was beginning to feel numb again but when I really thought long and hard about it, I was just nervous. I was nervous about not fitting in with anyone, having ignored everyone my age after awhile, I wondered if I could relate to anyone at all. Then, and this feeling was the sole reason why I spent the night tossing and turning, I felt angry. I felt rage. I started feeling the way I did after my father spoke to me before he left, his empty words trying to sway me in his favor so I would hate my mother as much as he did. He claimed to be trapped in a loveless marriage. He acted as though it was my mother that had changed and not him. Truth was, I may have been "daddy's little girl" growing up but that never stopped me from being close to my mother. I knew she suffered throughout the twenty years they were married together. My father was controlling, manipulative and bitter. He was always accusing my mother of looking at other men when he was the one ogling anything with breasts that walked his way. He never gave my mother the respect and love she deserved. He never took her out as a couple, never bothered with a honeymoon. But Gina Campbell stood by his side, faithful and loving. Always hoping he would see the light and change his ways. He didn't change the first time he cheated on her. Or the second. Or the third. I always asked myself how it was even possible that he could possibly love me when I resembled mum so much. I got my answer when he walked out on us two months later, he never loved anyone but himself.

It's like a bad film in my head sometimes, always on loop, playing over and over again. The way I was raised believing my parents marriage was as perfect as everyone around me commented. I didn't know what lay under the surface. My mother did a good job of hiding it from me, bearing all the mental and emotional abuse so that I would remain unscathed. All her efforts proved futility in the end. Dad finally got his way.

So I was angry, upset, fuming, any other word that exists in the dictionary that indicates my frustration. I didn't sleep. I even tried my "escaping" several times and to no avail. At one point in the night, Emily stirred in her bed and I turned my head automatically, searching for the noise. The moonlight was on her face, illuminating her features, creating a sort of halo around it. I stared for a long time, the covers around her feet, the room warm with summer heat. She had worn a tight subtlety and shorts to bed. I trailed the surveying of her body while she slept on her side, her frame small but curves evident; the kind of hourglass figure that many crave. Like myself. Her right arm was underneath her head but over the pillow, her left arm dealing along her stomach making the singlet slip up her body, revealing pale, unmarked skin. It looked as smooth as alabaster, pure, creamy skin that I couldn't help but want to touch.

I was about Emily's size at one point, perhaps not as toned but then again who is really? Her biceps were firm but not too muscular, her thighs well toned, the definition evident. Then again, having Rob Fitch as a father comes in handy, your own personal trainer twenty four hours a day. It surprised me to hear the twins were his daughters, although after last night's dinner, noticing that Emily had her father's charming personality and strong laugh, I could see the resemblance. I still had trouble believing Katie was related to them. Her attitude hadn't improved once, even when dinner time came around. She sat next to Emily, her gaze cast down at her plate. Every now and then Emily would whisper something in her ear , which would in turn make her look back up, a small smile on her face before she caught me looking at her, at which point she would glare at me. Needless to say, I looked away quickly and kept my eyesight fixed to the others.

Panda kept me entertained with stories about where she was going to University after she returned to Bristol whilst the boys nodded and smiled politely, lost in their own conversation. The meal was unlike anything I expected. There were lots of fresh vegetables on the plate, and lean meat as Rob preferred to call the chicken breast before me, and to my surprise it tasted good. He took the opportunity to discuss what our nutrition would be like. He did well, answering any questions we had (I mean I asked the most questions) and gave us a tiny booklet that dictated what our meals would consist of. By the time he concluded his speech, night had fallen and we were excused to our rooms.

Emily didn't come into the room immediately so I took the opportunity to unpack my belongings into the dresser. I assumed I had to share with Emily so I left three drawers for her and three for myself. There was a small closet on my side of the room. The remaining articles of clothing I left in the duffel bag after placing the second pair of trainers I brought with me on the floor beside the bag.

It was weird then and lying here now, it still struck me in an odd way that I would be staying at Camp Fitch in the middle of nowhere for the next half year. I didn't even realize my birthday would come and go surrounded by strangers, away from my mum. Not that it mattered really, since the most I'd ever had for my birthday was my favorite dinner and maybe a present if the budget allowed one. But mum had always tried to make it special somehow. She was great like that.

'Morning Naomi.'

I was lost in thought and failed to notice that Emily was already awake, her bed made as she stretched in the small space between our beds.

I cleared my throat aware of the routine that I had to follow. 'Morning.'

She stopped moving, setting her hands on her hips as she whirled an eyebrow at me. 'Well, plan on staying on bed all day? Carpe diem.'

She smiled at me but there was an authoritative tone in her voice that I knew would leave very little open for discussion. I sat up slowly avoiding any actual eye contact. I'd never had to work out with anyone. I wasn't sure about it, as I set my feet on the cold hardwood floor. She moved further down until she stood at the foot of the bed on net side.

'I'll grab your uniform from Rob's office. It'll give you a moment to brush your teeth, splash water on your face or any other routine morning ritual you have.'

She was very much in control and I was beginning to understand why she made the comment yesterday. If she was this way now, I didn't stand a chance once our workout started. Rob was gentle when he reminded us it would be rigorous but he also stated the importance of moving at our own pace without feeling overwhelmed. And I really hoped Emily wasn't a crazed fitness guru.

I grab a smaller bag from one of the drawers, my own toothbrush and toothpaste tucked in there along with other items. I walk towards the bathroom, knocking on the door to make sure no one else was in there. Several seconds without an answer and I walked in, trying to finish before Emily came back up. I stared at my reflection, the bags under my eyes dark from lack of sleep. I splashed water onto my face and contemplated whether I had time for a quick shower when there's a knock on the door. Guess not.

I secure my belongings and open the bathroom door to find Emily standing in front of me, a pair of black track suit pants and a purple tee folded neatly in her hands. She extends the clothing towards me which I take, our hands brushing as we make the exchange.

'Can you be ready in five minutes?'

I nod.

'Good. We'll have breakfast in the kitchen and be on our way.'

She turned around and walked down the steps leaving me to finish getting ready. I walk back towards the room, not wanting to hold up the bathroom for anyone else. I find the same uniform on my bed, the tops and pants placed neatly. I put the clothes away, seven new uniforms awaiting use.

I put the new clothes on, sighing in relief when I see that the sleeves are long enough. I never did like wearing shirts that were too short on my arms and after I gained weight...well, I tried to cover up as much as I could. The pants are a bit tight which I'm unaccustomed to but I suppose it'll serve its purpose when I'm not pulling them up later on whilst working out. That is an embarrassment I would like to avoid. I tie my hair up into a ponytail, making sure there are no stray hairs and opt for the black trainers should we go outside. There's no mirror in the room so I can't see myself, not like I care to look anyways. My appearance hasn't changed in the five minutes that have gone by.

I climb down the stairs, heading towards the sound of plates being set. The large oak table set up like it was on one of those Home magazines. The dishes stark white and neatly arranged on the table, fresh fruit in a large bowl in the middle. Emily stood with her back towards me, pressing a grapefruit into a juice squeezer. I stare in fascination at her back, the tight black singlet revealing smooth, firm skin. There is an undeniable strength to her actions, regardless of how trifled the task may be. It's like she incorporates every muscle she can into the simplest movements. I've seen enough workout videos to notice when someone knows what they are doing.

'Morning Naomi!'

Panda's cheery voice makes both Emily and I jump. I turn and she practically runs to me, a big smile on her face, her hair tied into pigtails with red ribbons holding it. She wore the same uniform I did except she had rolled up the sleeves past her elbows, something I don't think I would've had the courage to do. I was pulling down my own sleeves as it was, making sure nothing that could jiggle would be on display.

'Morning Panda.' Her voice is loud, as though she can't hear herself speak and normally I hate loud noises of any kind but with her, I can't help but find it endearing. Like if she wasn't like that, if she didn't behave so exuberant, it would be weird. I walk around to the far side of the table and sit down as Emily proceeds to ask Panda whether she had a good night.

'Bloomin 'eck Emily. Katie makes the loudest noises when she's sleeping.'

'I do not!'

Speak of the devil. Katie looked furious as she stepped into the kitchen, her hair pulled up in a tight bun, her uniform extremely tight accentuating every curve on her body. She wore red and black, and red trainers that matched the Get Fitched logo embroidered on her top.

'You did too! At first I thought she was drowning and then I remembered, we're not in a pool silly poo! I had to sleep with the pillow over my head.'

She shrugged as if it weren't a big deal she was awake for most of the night. She sat down next to me, grabbing a small, empty white bowl from the center of the table, filling it with fruit. Emily walked over with two pitchers of juice, one grapefruit and the other I assumed was orange. The twins took their seats opposite Panda and myself. Emily uncovered another large bowl and the room was filled with the scent of cinnamon. It was porridge and I silently hoped it tasted as good as it smelled.

Both Emily and Katie grabbed two bowls and proceeded to serve calculated portions for myself and Panda. I followed Panda's lead and served myself some of the fruit salad, opting for the citrus bits over the rest.

'It's important to have a balance of everything in your everyday life,' Emily said as she placed the porridge in front of me. 'Now I know you've probably heard this many times before but believe me when I say that breakfast is the most important meal of the day.'

As if on cue, Panda starts to eat some of the porridge while still keeping eye contact with Emily who smiled softly at her.

'Not only does it give you energy to start a new day but breakfast is linked to health benefits including weight control and improved performance. During your time here at Fitch Camp, you'll gain the tools necessary to maintain the active lifestyle we hope you'll carry on with.'

She pauses to look at both of us, my breakfast still untouched as I wait for her to finish. I can't help but think her speech sounds stilted, as if it were said before, which clearly it must have been. Despite that, there is an undeniable truth behind her words. Something about the way she looks right into my eyes, encouraging me softly, it sticks with me. It's like she can see me, see what I am. Her stare is unwavering and strong, her brown eyes warm and inviting.

'What we aim for here, what Rob really wants more than anything, is for his trainees to leave here happy. He wants you to feel at ease with yourselves right from the start. Which is why he implemented the buddy system as he calls it,' she chuckles and shakes her head, probably because I raised my eyebrows. The buddy system reminds me of primary school, when all the children are too scared to move without their teachers permission so they just stand there in the school corridor waiting instruction. Except in this buddy system, there's only one scared student.

'Having someone by your side from the beginning is most important during the process. As your trainer, we are here to see that you get the best results. But don't feel as though that is the extent of our ability. We're here if you need someone to talk to about any concerns you might have or anything else. So Naomi...'

Her gaze meets mine as I stare back. I don't usually keep eye contact with anyone apart from my mother, I'm usually too nervous to function properly. There is something about Emily though. The way she looks at me, brown eyes warm and piercing, it makes me feel safe and ready, like I can face anything and everything as long as I can draw strength from her. What is it with Emily Fitch? Why does she have this effect on me?

'Naomi if there is anything I can help you with, related or not to the program, you can trust me and know that I will work as hard as I can to help you.'

She waits for a reaction from me and I would have one except my brain has stopped functioning. Emily is so fierce it's unreal. I don't think I've ever met someone like her before; someone who exudes courage and power. I nod my head at her, which is as close as I can get to saying 'I trust you' without actually saying it. As tempting as it is to let go of my reserves, I grab onto them. I'll do as Emily says, since she is my instructor, but that will be the extent of it. She's not a friend, not a counselor, she is just a trainer.

She smiles at me and I can't help but smile back. Emily turns, facing Katie and nudges her with her elbow after clearing her throat and nodding in Panda's direction. With a dramatic huff, she sets down the glass of orange juice she was drinking and looks at Panda.

'I wasn't snoring-'

'Yes you were,' Panda responds not missing a beat.

'Whatever.' Katie interrupts, leaning back in her chair and crosses her arms. 'I'm here to chat if you need to.'

'Whizzer! Can we have sleepovers and like talk about boys and stuff?'

I laugh out loud, either Panda is oblivious to Katie's distant demeanor or she knows exactly how to bug her "buddy" if the look of confusion is anything to go by.

'What?' she asks incredulously.

'Panda,' Emily interjects before Katie could say anything else. 'Like I said before we are here to listen to anything…' she states pointedly in her sister's direction, '…you wish to discuss. But do remember that Katie's primary function is to help you with your health.'

'Ohhh right, I've gotta lose me marshmallow bum.'

I grip the fork in my hand and forget about my breakfast. I have always hated nicknames that related to physical traits. I never understood them at all, don't see why calling anyone 'short stock' or 'giant' is ever acceptable. I can't help but wonder whether Panda was taunted like myself. I never did tell mum what they called me at college. Then again, I probably earned some of those names. I grew distant from everyone. The girls I stupidly thought were my friends were shallow, conniving bitches who showed their true colors to me when I needed someone's help the most.

'Right, well let's finish our breakfast so we can get on with this.'

This time it was Katie that spoke as she looked at Panda with a soft expression. It was the kindest I had seen her in the twenty four hour span I've known her. It was both welcoming and weird. You don't normally see someone who is so..._Katie_, warm up that quickly. She smiles more to herself than to Panda before turning to address Emily, whispering in her ear.

I return my attention to the breakfast before me, enjoying the surprisingly tasty porridge. Usually it's so bland and perfect for a toothless senior, I'm stunned when I taste just a hint of cinnamon and something sweet. The remainder of the meal is spent in relative silence, save for the occasional clanking of silverware against ceramic. It's not an uncomfortable silence or at least to me it wasn't. For once my brain wasn't stuck on overdrive, analyzing every single detail of every comment or word made. I was just a girl sitting enjoying good, nutritious food. It was nice.

Once we were done, we settled into an unspoken arrangement where Panda and I washed dishes while Katie and Emily cleaned the rest of the kitchen. There was a lapse in time when they left the room and Panda and I were left on our own. I struggled trying to come up with a conversation. You would think it would have been easy, I mean, Jesus Christ she was my age after all. We must have something in common that I can bring up.

'Naomi, do you have a boyfriend?'

Or she could start. I bring the plate I lathered beneath the faucet making sure all of the soap is gone before I hand it to Panda. She grabs the white towel and dries it carefully, a near slip before causing her to slow her actions.

'Umm no.'

'Why not?'

I wring the sponge I used to clean the dishes and shut the running faucet. I watch the last bit of water fall down the drain thinking of a way to answer the question. I think it's pretty obvious as to why I am single. No guy wants a "curvy" girl, I don't blame them anyways. I've seen myself in the mirror. I couldn't see what was beautiful about me.

'I just don't Panda.'

'Ohh you don't need a boyfriend. You make the beast with two backs and bugger off.'

I chuckle at her words. She truly is something special. I sigh and nod my response, too embarrassed to admit the truth. I was still a virgin and though there was nothing to be ashamed about not losing it up until now, I was. I didn't jump in head first to a bed with boys like other girls my age did. Of course the teasing started when I politely refused the drunken attempts of a "hot" bloke from my class at a party and I brushed it off. He was attractive and had expressed an interest in me beforehand but I couldn't give up something that was precious to me so carelessly. No amount of charming words would ever sway me to do otherwise. I didn't see myself being that intimate with anyone and I never have. It wasn't that I was lacking in the hormone department because I wasn't, but the idea of stripping myself (literally) scared the shit out of me. Even before my weight gain, I just could not.

'Something like that Panda.'

'Mum says girls give it up too easily and that no decent bloke respects a girl with a friendly fanny.'

'Ready to go?'

I turn my head and see Emily and Katie each carrying a backpack of their own. Panda bounces over to her trainer who shakes her head, chuckling at her eager behavior. They walk out through the front door, the sound of an over excited voice echoing along the hallway.

'Do you think she's always like that?'

I look at Emily, unsure of how to answer. 'So it seems'

She nods absentmindedly before sighing and following the path of the pair before us. 'That means Katie will have her hands full with a ball of energy.'

'You're worried Katie won't keep up with her?' I ask amused.

Emily laughs as she opens the front door, grabbing two black jackets from the coat hanger in the corner. She hands me one and I check the size before slipping it on, making sure it will fit.

'I think we're all in for a lot of hard work Naomi... both the trainees and the trainers alike.'

* * *

_Why do you think that Naomi?'_

_We've been playing this game for the past ten minutes. Doctor Wilson will ask me a question about a comment I've made regarding any subject in general. It's like a bad game of tag except we both know it's me that has to give in._

_'I don't know,' I sigh exasperated. There are only so many questions a therapist can ask before they sound like a cliché._

_'I think you do,' she urges._

_I'll give her credit, she's persistent. 'Then why would I say I don't know?' Sarcasm is a girl's best friend, puts people right in their place._

_'You're a smart girl. I don't believe you don't know the answer.'_

_I bite the inside of my cheek and stare at her, my eyes boring into her own. Can't people ever just let the other be? What is it with humans and their urge to interrogate?_

_'Naomi, you have a habit of backtracking the moment you make progress. I know it's not easy at times, moving past all the negative emotions that surround you right now but would you rather live like that? In a shroud of turmoil and despair or do you want a change?'_

_I close my eyes then. It's so easy to give in, just let my emotions get the best of me. Nothing makes sense at times, my feelings clouding my mind making it impossible to breathe let alone form a coherent thought. But it's so hard closing that part of me, so fucking difficult letting go. The darkness, the anger, the rage-that's all I've known for what seems so long, it feels like I've forgotten how to do anything else._

_'You can do this Naomi.'_

_'What if I can't?' I keep my eyes shut, feeling the tears flow across my cheeks. I take a deep breath, shuddering where I lay. I chose the long chair, the one facing away from the therapist, a large window in front of it, the city in full view, with everyone moving about unaware to one another's problems._

_'Why do you think that?'_

_I roll my eyes even though she can't see. Honestly sometimes she went on like a broken record. I know where she was headed with this. Once I admitted it, once it was out in the open, there was no going back. This was my secret unveiled for her to break down and turn into a thesis in the future about young girls and body images. It hasn't done me any good keeping it in. I'm like a shaken fizzy drink bursting to explode. I have to remind myself that I can trust her, that she's here for my benefit and mine alone._

_'I guess..'_

_I take a deep, calming breath and open my eyes, staring out at the gray sky. It will probably rain later. Water is always good. It's cleansing._

_'There's no such thing as love. It's not possible.'_

_'But you're mum loves you.'_

_'Yes-'_

_'And you love your mother correct?'_

_'Yes but-'_

_'So why doesn't it exist?'_

_'I wasn't referring to that!'_

_I snap and regret it instantly. This is the reaction she has been waiting for, the monotonous tone in my voice and shrugs as my way of "avoidance"._

_'What were you referring to?'_

_'You can't love-people don't really love.'_

_'Why not?'_

_I gulp loudly not wanting to answer. It would be the first time I'd admit it out loud to anyone. Once something is said, I can't take it back. It's not mine anymore. It becomes a part of this bloody counseling meeting._

_'They just can't. I mean..fuck, what do I know anyway.'_

_I hear her shift in her seat, the sounds of leather cushions rubbing against one another. She's invested in this conversation, saying anything to get me to speak so that she could help me._

_'No one loves, not really. I mean...it's all just physical attraction. People say they love each other for their kind hearts or witty charm but its all lies. It's all about the trendiest styles in our closets and the fittest body you can have in time for bikini season.'_

_'We're in England, it's never bikini season.'_

_I sit up abruptly and look at her, puzzled by her interruption._

_'Well it's not,' she shrugged._

_I don't hold back the laugh and allow myself to calm down. She was professional most of the time but other times, very rarely, she would crack a joke or sarcastic remark. I think she did it as a way to calm me down._

_'I s'pose you're right.'_

_I take a moment to catch my breath before finishing my thoughts._

_'I used to think highly of myself. You know top marks, popular-the lot. The attention was stifling, yeah, but I dealt with it, you know? I had everything I wanted in life and then suddenly everything went to shit. My home life, my personal life, the only thing I excelled in was my school work and by then it was a result of a lack of a social life that led to all my academic achievements and then-'_

_I remembered it all so clearly. The hurt and the disappointment washing over me._

_'Then what Naomi?'_

_'Then things got a lot shittier. The one boy I was interested in, I finally snapped out of my gloom and called him just to go out to a movie or anything, I just needed the time away, a distraction.'_

_She nodded her head and urged me to continue after I hesitated in continuing._

_'He didn't want to. He said no. I thought, stupidly at first, that it was because he had plans for the night so I asked if another night was best for him. He said that never would be a good time for him. That he already had a date with a "fit blonde". I ended the call then. I didn't need to hear any further. The only boy I had ever taken seriously and considered dating effectively told me that I wasn't tempting enough to date or whatever the fuck you can say it was.'_

_I pause and look at her, more tears falling down my cheeks. 'I don't believe in true love and not one single person has ever made me think differently.'_

* * *

_****_**I didn't make you wait too long :-P and I will do my best to continue with prompt updates. Thank you for reading and feel free to leave a review.**

**x Beck**


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